I would love to preface this blog with a little forewarning! Its graphic and vulnerable. It's raw and real and it is my memoire only 1 week after my birth. I actually see it a lot differently now (one year on!), I have tried not to edit out anything only to fix typos as I want to share the true story. Now we are one year on I truely only remember it being absolutely beautiful and it was but it was also intense! Its amazing how the body and mind seems to dissolve so much. Almost as though your memory is painless. I think that's so we go back for more! All I remember is LOVE. So much love, love for my baby, love for my husband, love for the midwives who helped me on my journey. I Honestly am so excited to do it again one day. Though if I read this back I definitely feel a "Oh Wow" I remember now. Hahah! If you're a Mama to be, just know that its such a special journey and to give yourself time and space to absorb and work through your birth. It is a baptism of fire and an incredible path. Its a road where you completely lose yourself and then rediscover yourself all over again. I wish you all the love and joy on your journey and through the 4th trimester!
Without further ado....
I was 40 weeks and 3 days on May 7th. I was sitting in my lounge room with my mother in law, sister in law and my 6year old niece. I was feeling tired but so happy to have them there. I had been trying to fill each day since 40weeks with lots of love and good feelings to boost the oxytocin and get labour going. It was late in the afternoon, around 5.30pm, I was sitting on the couch when I felt a bit of a weird gush. Not huge but still it caught my attention. I almost couldn’t tell if I had weed. My head went from concern to excitement in about point five of a second. I didn’t move for a moment then politely excused myself to the loo, I didn’t want to get anyone excited just incase I had indeed weed myself (not something I usually did but you never know when you’re pregnant). I went into the bathroom and grabbed a handful of toilet paper to dry myself and when I relaxed it was soaked completely. It wasn’t a big gush but seemed to release when I fully relaxed.
I popped a pad in and kept thinking, "Is this it?" I walked back into the lounge room and smiling ear to ear said, "I think my water just broke, I don’t know if this is it, but it might be IT!!!" And did a little dance! I calmly ran (fast pace waddled!) to get my birthing ball so I could start doing some bouncing to open up my pelvis. It was a bit like the feeling you get before you walk through the gates of Disneyland or an amazing concert you’ve been anticipating forever. I think my MIL & SIL thought I was a little crazy since they had both been through labour. But I was so excited for labour. All my preparations were about to come into practice and I knew I was ready!
My MIL & SIL left so I could focus and I was so excited how close we might be to meeting our little human!
Come 8.30pm my contractions started. Not super intense, just like mild period pain. I rolled around my hips swaying on my ball and focused on my breathing whilst listening to my meditations from both hypo birthing and Nicola Laye. I decided to try sleep because (being my first pregnancy) I had this idea that I would be laboring for 30+hrs so laid down but I was just to excited to sleep. As the surges became a little more defined (feeling them begin and end). I told my husband Robbie that I thought this was it. I think up until that point the fluid and the period pain could have been passed off as normal pregnancy symptoms and Braxton hicks. But nope. This was it. I decided to use up some time, I moved into the shower with some candles and my positive affirmations and meditations on speaker. I focused on breathing and swaying my hips. I told Robbie to start packing the car so we could be ready. And that maybe we should watch a movie to take up some time.
I started timing the contractions at 9.10pm. I moved into our room to dry off. Rob packed the car and started cleaning the house frantically. Putting away washing and mopping the floors. I wanted to go out and breathe in the cool air outside and be under the moon so I stood out on our driveway taking it in. It was the night of the Flower super Moon and somehow that felt so significant.
As I breathed through contractions I was texting my mum and brother, who by this point had both insisted I go to the hospital because my waters had broken. Robbie and I were following hospital guidelines not to go to the hospital till I had 3×1min contractions in 10mins. But after receiving a screenshot of the hospital website from my brother, saying to go to the hospital if your waters break, we decided we should go. I really didn’t want to arrive to early to the hospital because its 30mins from our house and I didn’t want to be turned away to labour longer at home. Amidst contractions about 4 mins apart we dropped Daisy, our fur baby, off to my mums house (I wasn’t in a rush) and I listened to my meditations whilst breathing through them. During the car ride they become quite intense and by now, around midnight they were getting closer together. We got to the hospital car park had to stop a few times on the walk to the upper level door (not the main entrance)... due to Covid the door was locked. I laughed. And possibly cried because my slow shuffling had taken awhile to get there and surges were coming quicker. We pressed the buzzer and Robbie spoke to them and thankfully the security guard let us in. We presented to the labour ward and there was another couple there too. They nurses took the other couples temp and asked them all the Covid Questions (have you been in contact with anyone confirmed, have you travelled in the last 2 weeks, are you showing any flu-like signs of Covid). Next it was our turn. At this point I think my whole body that had been so relaxed and calm (and pretty excited) seized up. What if Rob had a temperature, what if he couldn’t come in with me. It was probably only 5 minutes but it was enough to take me out of my zone. We were all fine and our temps we fine. We passed the “test” and moved into the Maternity Antenatal Clinic (MAC) for them to assess me. We waited here for a little while whilst a midwife was called. I was connected to a heart rate monitor. By this point I was feeling a bit spacey. I couldn’t reign in my focus. The midwife was asking questions and Rob was answering for me because I was breathing and trying to focus. I decided to stop timing the contractions. The midwife was saying that if I was to be checked and wasn’t far enough along we would have to go home. I didn’t fully comprehend her questions but Robbie is a great translator and told me she was asking permission to check how far along I was. So she checked me and I was 4cm dilated and fully effaced. The surges were getting more intense. I had messaged Nicola (my breathing, birthing, and life coach! And all round amazing human creature) once the contractions started earlier. Right after I was checked she messaged to ask how I was going. At 1.40am in the morning she got out of bed to coach me via phone through the contractions. Moving from home to the hospital had thrown me a little and while I leaned over the bed in the MAC unit Nicola helped ground me down and breathe.
I was then moved to the labour ward and we got ready.
Once we got to the labour ward it feels a bit like a beautiful blurry whirlwind. When we arrived. Robbie started to unpack and get out the things I needed. Our speaker for the meditations, my snacks (the bag was HUGE) the battery-operated candles... Robbie couldn’t work the candles so brought them in. In my misty eyed labouring I couldn’t work them either. Rob said there was no batteries in them, “but they’re new”, I thought. The midwife ran out to see if she could find some for us. Goodness I thought I was so prepared. I had purchased a whole box of faux candles and forgot to put batteries in them. It seemed so stupid at the time. But turns out rob had picked up candles that had been left in the birthing suite, thinking they were mine. Hahaha. Our candles were still tucked away in the birthing bag, never to be used! Hahaha! Oh dear.
I bounced on the ball for a short while and the midwife hooked up the gas I took the gas for a bit and then threw up multiple times. I then got in the shower to help take the pain away and laboured standing over a chair for a while. They then gave me a Maxalon shot to help with the nausea which it did and I was able to have the gas.
I then requested more pain medication, as the contractions were getting more painful. They offered me morphine, at this point the pain was increasing rapidly and I wanted anything to help as I thought we would have quite a few hours of this labour ahead at this intensity I didn’t know how long I could go on. Robbie reminded me what would happen on the morphine, that I would be out of it and that it does affect the baby (if born within 3hrs of the shot the baby will need help breathing). So I declined it and asked for the epidural to happen ASAP. They tested my urine and they found ketones, as I was quite dehydrated from being quite ill. So they then moved me to the bed to put me on a drip and to take blood for the epidural. I was so dehydrated they were unable to get the cannula in for fluids. Eventually it was in and I moved to all fours leaning on the back of the bed. I laboured here for what felt like an eternity but was only about an hr. The cannula was knocked out of my hand because I was moving quite a lot. The anesthetist was waiting outside on blood results and ready to go. At 3.30am I was checked again and was 9cm dilated.
The anesthetist came in and spoke to me. In a blur she told me that by the time the epidural works the baby will be here. I cried.
Rob then asked if I could move to the bath. It felt like decades for it to fill.
By this point I could feel baby moving down the birth canal. I felt stretched and was bearing down. I definitely felt a bit of panic in this moment. I didn’t have many fears surrounding birth but my biggest was if I felt the need for the epidural and it would be to late. My fear was here. The moment when they came in and told me that it was to late to have the epidural the fear took over me and I didn't think I could go any further. But I did...10 mins of pushing on the bed I got to move to my favourite place. The water.
When I finally got in the bath I felt a rush of relief and a feeling of coming home. Something shifted and I was able to get my breath back and felt a lot more calm that this was now our final destination and the baby would be here soon.
At this point I really focused on Robbie. He was talking me through my breathing and keeping me centered. He was amazing.
The baby’s heart rate was checked between each contraction and for 28 mins I pushed. My midwives could see babies’ head. They said to me that after the next contraction to put my hand down they’re to feel his head. Something I was not keen on at all but in the blur I reached down and felt. That was my baby. My little human was nearly here. It gave me that little bit of hope and exhilaration. The next few pushes his head came in and out. The pain at this point was incredible but it was the strength to push I was lacking. I didn’t feel like the contractions were long enough to push him out. I could hear them discussing moving me to the bed
I remember the midwife got my attention and made eye contact with me. She said on the next contraction I need you to really push.
I could feel there was something a little stuck. I asked someone to hold my leg to push against. On the next push my baby arrived at 4.50am. Gently he was brought up to my chest where I held this sweet beautiful tiny little body on me. A tiny little being I had made and now birthed in a beautiful body of water under the super moon. The midwife asked if Robbie wanted to check the sex. A boy! "We have a boy, I have a son" I remember saying. Tears steaming down my face as wave after wave of emotion crashed over me - gratefulness, awe, love, exultation, pain, relief, power, mind blowing wonderment, love, gratitude, love, love, love and more love. Love for this tiny human, love for my husband who had gotten me through this incredible journey of pregnancy and birth and life. Love for the midwives who were so absolutely incredible and attentive. And a big sigh of relief and love for myself. I did it. I pushed my body to the edge of the precipice and didn’t think I could push it any further. But I did. I faced my biggest fear and came over the other side. A Warrior. A Goddess and now a Mother. I am now a mother.
We have a son.
Wolfgang Sydney Adrian
The moment they put him in my arms. I felt the full weight of the last few hours. It was heavy in my heart. How could something so small and special cause such intense experience, your entire body working towards his arrival. Incredible and also hard. Incredibly hard. But so worth it.
All fresh, wrinkly and squishy.
Tears of joy and elation for our first feed. He latched like a pro and our breastfeeding journey was off to an incredible start - One year on he's still a bewb monstor!
NEVER . HAVE . I . EVER
Been so overwhelmed with so many emotions... Love, Pain, Sadness, Joy, Honour, Doubt, Guilt, Happiness, Fear, Growth, Power, Trauma, Pride, Exhaustion, Exultation, Fascination, Defeat, Defiance, Overwhelm and yet being completely and utterly over the moon..... They say you cannot prepare for the birth of a child. And gosh that is the understatement of the century. The incredible journey to get here has been one that started many many moons ago. The waiting and wishing and hoping to conceive over many months. The joy and excitement of those double lines. Creating, growing and carrying a human whilst suffering from crippling nausea and vomiting for 8 months. Then finally labour for which I have few words to describe. Physically ripping your own body apart to allow this little being to enter the world. Becoming a mother for the first time. The awe inspiring unconditional love and pain for this tiny little person you just met. And now to be a parent and to sift through and ignore the right, wrong, correct, incorrect ways of the world and learning to just trust your instincts. What a journey it has been and I am so incredibly proud of myself in this moment and so honoured to have created such a beautiful little being.
This little one is my one way ticket to motherhood! Still cannot believe it!
The place for Lovers, Wild Hearts, Girl Bosses, Modern Mamas and Dream-seekers for Inspiration, in Fashion, Wedding, Living & Business